In your heart of hearts what is the life that you long for?*  How do you wish you spent your days? Knowing where you are going helps you stay on track and moving forward even when times are difficult. Knowing the goal helps you make decisions that take you closer to your goal. If you truly want longtime friendships and that is part of what will make your life content, then when a disagreement arises with a friend you may be less likely to let that destroy the relationship, even for a day. You may be more likely to repair relationships and pay attention to keeping friendships active. Can you describe in detail the life that you yearn for?  Over the next few posts I’ll outline some of the areas to consider. The list won’t be complete because I can’t know what is important to you. I’ll describe a few categories and you can add whatever you need to add. Write down your inner most wishes in each category without censoring them. When you’ve finished writing about all the categories, you can then choose where you want to start in moving toward the life you truly desire in your heart of hearts. First, let’s consider the work you do.

Career/Work:  Does the work you do pay an important part in your contentment? For some, work is a way of contributing to the world and thus brings contentment and meaning to life. For others work provides a sense of mastery–they like knowing they are good at what they do. For others, their employment is a way of paying the bills and is mainly a way of maintaining the basics. The job is necessary to the life they want to lead, but is not part of the higher levels of contentment and perhaps joy.

Perhaps you long to be in a different line of work.  You’d love to be a fireman or teacher. While the work you do now is only to pay the bills, you know in that place where you just know the absolute truth that a different career could add satisfaction and meaning to your life. Let go of the idea that you are stuck. Think about how you could possibly change your career in a realistic way or have a similar experience to the one that is your dream.

If you need more education to do what you wish, then how can you take the first class? Yes, it would likely be a lot of work and sacrifice. But if changing your career is something you know is the absolute right choice for you then do what it takes and do what is possible right now. Doing whatever is possible right now will help lead you closer to what you want, even if it is a tiny step, and open up more opportunities later on.

What if your dream seems like an unrealistic long shot with no clear and certain path to make it happen?  Maybe you want to be a famous author or actress. Maybe you want to have the number one selling album on the soul music charts. The cost of pursuing these dreams can be high. Struggling to make it in the arts is not easy, but he cost of not pursuing dreams can also be high. What do you want to do?  If you want to pursue this dream, what is the next or first step for you to take?

Maybe you are drawn to a certain career but don’t really want to pursue it.  What it is about a certain career that draws you?  Do you have a love of music that fills your very being with happiness? Do you need admiration and/or recognition for who you are?  Do you love to take on different roles and lose yourself in a pretend world?  Be flexible in your thinking. Perhaps community theater, while not the same as being a famous actress, could help fulfill your passion for acting. Maybe singing in a local choir could fulfill your love of music. Consider alternatives that might work well for you and be a better balance for you.

If you’ve decided that making changes in the work you do is part of creating the life you long to live, write down the steps you need to take.  Then list the pros and cons of this change. Will you have to adjust your budget or even save money for a long time in order to pursue what you want?  Will you have less time for friends?  Will you need to tolerate being judged by others?  Look at what can get in the way and write down ways you will deal with these challenges. Remember to think carefully about the pros of what you are doing now. Those are sometimes easy to overlook. Completing this step helps evaluate if you truly want to make the change and the difficulties in doing it. If you still want to go forward, then this change in your work becomes a part of your life plan. If not, then you consider other areas that may be more important to you.

Changes in your environment will be the next area of possible change that I’ll discuss. I look forward to your suggestions and comments.

With a strong fear and sensitivity to rejection, even routine events such as a friend canceling lunch plans can bring on a tornado of emotions that are difficult to manage. With this difficulty in relationships, so much of life becomes stressful, such as attending classes, dating, participating in friendships, interacting in group activities, having roommates, and working with others. Some of you withdraw and become isolated as a way of avoiding the pain of relationships. Others experience anguish and suffering on a regular basis with little relief. Working on interpersonal skills and ways to manage emotions in relationships can help you reduce the suffering you experience on a daily basis. Improving your interpersonal resiliency and skills is complicated.  Four options for getting started (based on the work of Marsha Linehan, 1993)  include the following:

1.  Practice thinking dialectically

When you think dialectically, you are always asking yourself what you could be missing. You accept that no one has the absolute truth and that carefully considering the ideas of others can lead to a clearer, more accurate picture of events than only considering your own point of view. In practice this means not getting stuck in black and white thinking or in taking opposite sides. You aren’t looking for compromise; you are searching for the truth in all points of view.  If compromise is gray, then thinking dialectically would be plaid or polka dots. You don’t have to give up your view of the truth to accept that someone else has a different view and maybe even an opposite view. Dialectics recognizes that all views may be true and that a synthesis of those views may lead to a greater understanding. When you are thinking dialectically you are being cognitively flexible and curious about understanding other views. Using the word “and” often reflects dialectical thinking:  “I am worn out and can’t play anymore and my son wants to continue playing.” When you think dialectically neither person is judged for his view. Your son isn’t selfish or spoiled because he wants to continue playing. He is just enjoying your company. You aren’t a bad mother–you are simply tired.  Both your son’s wish to continue playing and your need to stop are valid.

2.  Use relational mindfulness 

Mindfulness in this situation is awareness of your mental state and awareness of how others are reacting. Dr. Alan Fruzzetti says that to be relationally mindful you observe the other person without judgment and participate fully with them in effective ways. That effectiveness means to focus on the relationship and not on the specific issue of the moment. Who forgot to put gas in the car is minor and not worth losing the relationship.  When you are calm it may be easy to let annoyances go and to remember that you don’t want to do anything to damage a relationship. When you are emotionally upset your thinking becomes narrower and you may only be able to think about what is right and wrong from your point of view. If you are upset, practice taking time to calm yourself before talking with those you care about.

To observe means that you only know what you can see, hear and touch. You don’t interpret or guess in negative ways. If your mind interprets a non returned text as rejection, ask yourself what other explanations there might be, such as his phone isn’t charged or he is in a meeting with his boss.

3.  Assume the best with wisdom

Often, perhaps because of your own fears, you may easily interpret actions of others in negative ways.  Negative interpretations become your default way of looking at relationships and other people. This habit can lead to repeated ups and downs that stress the relationship. Practice assuming the best of those you care about. Assume that they have your best interests at heart even though you may not appreciate their choices.

4.  Practice Acceptance and Letting Go

Relationships are often messy and difficult and stressful. Accepting that you will have disagreements, disappointments, and hurt feelings is part of the being in relationships. Practice holding onto and savoring the good times and letting go of the hurtful experiences.  Instead of replaying the hurtful conversations, replay the joyful ones. Set your intention to notice when you are dwelling on painful experiences, accept that the experience was painful, then visualize letting go of the thoughts. Replace the thoughts with memories of pleasant interactions which are the basis for the relationship.

First, if you are feeling grateful you are more likely to behave in trusting ways to others. In fact, your level of trust is likely to vary exactly according to the level of gratitude you are experiencing at the moment. Notice this has nothing to do with the other person or the specific situation but is only based on the feelings you are experiencing. So maybe feeling good makes you trust others or be less judgmental and cautious? Yes, but it’s not only feeling grateful that increase your trust in others. If you are socially stressed, then you are also more likely to trust others. In fact, researchers found that social anxiety increased the rate of cooperation (trust) by about 50 per cent. Again, those feelings have nothing to do with trust.It’s not only feelings that increase trust. It could be the power of suggestion. If you believe you are wearing knock-off designer sunglasses, then you will act in less trustworthy ways than if you believe the sunglasses you are wearing are authentic.

A person’s trustworthiness can’t be determined from his past actions or reputation of being trustworthy. Asking if someone is trustworthy isn’t the right question. To increase your odds of trusting when it is appropriate to trust, then focus on whether the person is trustworthy right now in the current situation.

Survival of the fittest means that your mind is focused on how best for you to survive. So wouldn’t that mean that getting the best outcome for yourself in each interaction is the best strategy? In other words, trust no one and look out for yourself? Such an approach seems to work to the person’s advantage in the beginning but not in the long term. When you have that approach, as time goes on people do not want to cooperate with you and the approach no longer works. Those who behave in more trusting ways do better in the long term. Acting in trustworthy ways is often not easy. Behaving in trustworthy ways, both with yourself and with others, seems to count on your being able to resist immediate desires in favor of long-term benefit or self-regulation.

So one aspect of being trustworthy is being able to self-regulate. When you are wondering whether to trust yourself or to trust someone else, ask yourself if they are able to self-regulate in the situation you are in. How tired are they? How overwhelmed?

Another aspect of trust is to ask yourself if the person has the right skills to be trustworthy in the particular situation. You may trust your best friend more than anyone else in your life. But you wouldn’t trust your friend to tell you where to invest your money unless she is a financial expert.

So in considering whether to trust someone or yourself, remember that trust is not a set characteristic. Your feelings, the situation, and the power of suggestion can all influence trust. Are you emotionally regulated? Is the other person emotionally regulated? In addition, consider whether you or the other person has the competence needed to be trustworthy in the particular circumstances. So when deciding to trust someone, consider the context. Is your goal to get expert advice on a medical condition or to trust someone to babysit your new puppy?

Trust is one of the keys to building resilience. Being able to trust someone else is part of recovery and the ability to bounce back. Trust is necessary. So pay attention to your intuition, look for motives for your own or others behavior, and be wise in your decisions in each situation rather than having a set pattern.

References

DeSteno, D. (2014). The Truth About Trust. New York: Penguin Group.

Trust No One.  Perhaps you’ve decided to never ask for help or rely on others for anything. You doubt the information others give you and check the facts on every decision. You never let yourself believe that you can count on someone else. You don’t want to trust for fear of being hurt and let down. While you may see this as protecting yourself, in the long run this approach doesn’t work well in terms of getting what you want out of life. Not taking any risks personally or in your career has negative results for most people. Because we are dependent on others, and because friendships and family relationships are a big part of contentment in life, not trusting others brings you pain as well. When you don’t trust, it is not possible to have close, supportive relationships.

Trust Everyone.  The problem with trusting everyone is that you will likely be hurt and perhaps even be harmed physically, emotionally and/or financially.  Trusting everyone means you will be taken advantage of by those who have their own agenda and needs that aren’t the same as yours. When other people’s needs are not in line with yours, they may act in their own best interests, particularly if they believe they won’t get caught.   Perhaps you take this approach in an effort to be accepted or to avoid aggression, believing if you are no threat others will not harm you. Trusting everyone doesn’t work.

Be Suspicious But Engage Fully Anyway.  Perhaps you say you don’t trust and you keep in mind that others could betray you. At the same time you engage in the relationship and behave as if you trust the other person. When you find out the person is untrustworthy, you say you knew it all along.  The problem is that you still must deal with the consequences of acting as if you trusted.

Trustworthiness is not a black or white characteristic. It would be easier if some people were trustworthy and others weren’t and your job was to determine the difference. While some depend on reputation to determine whether someone can be trusted, this is not the best option.  This implies that trust is part of integrity. In truth, human morality is quite variable. Whether you can trust someone, including yourself, depends on the situation. Trustworthiness fluctuates.

Taking a look at how you decide to trust is an important first step in learning how to trust in more effective ways.  More facts about trust will be in the next post.

Survey:  If you are an emotionally sensitive person who does not have a mental health diagnosis, please consider completing our survey to help us learn more about emotional sensitivity.  Thank you.

Imagine that you and your spouse drive to work together.  One morning you are a few blocks away from your house and the car runs out of gas. You’re angry because your husband usually keeps the tank filled. He’s angry because you drove the car last and didn’t tell him it needed gas. You call each other names and yell about how flawed the other person is, using words like lazy, selfish, thoughtless, and stupid, plus a few that are unmentionable. No matter who didn’t fill the car with gas, arguing about whose fault it is doesn’t solve the problem. The more you argue the later to work you will be.

Letting go of blaming behavior can be difficult. Here are some ideas to consider.

1.  Ask yourself if it really matters who was at fault. Sometimes accepting responsibility is important for learning and change.  Accepting responsibility and assigning responsibility is different from blame.

2.  Focus on what you can do, not what someone else should have done or could do.  If the car is out of gas, what can you do to solve the problem?  How will you get the gas you need? Put your energy into getting past the difficult situation, not on who caused it.

3.  Stay in the present. Bringing up past examples of someone else’s behavior to justify your anger is not helpful in resolving the situation and only makes the situation more upsetting and volatile.

4.  Stick to the facts. Just describe the situation without judging. “The car is out of gas and I am going to be late for work.”  Remember to not blame yourself either.

5.   Express your feelings without directing them at someone else.  Say, “I’m feeling angry and hurt,” rather than “You hurt me,” or “I’m afraid I’ll lose my job,” not “Your stupidity will get me fired.”

6.  Use language of acceptance. Your basic view is that you and others are doing the best possible and that you are all human beings who make mistakes. Think how you would want someone to respond to your child if he made a mistake.

7.  Look for what others are doing right. Search for the positive actions that others take. Train yourself to notice the positive.

8.  Practice compassion. Replace your anger with understanding.  Search for a way to understand others’ behavior.

Then Sam won a contest. Soon after  he earned a promotion at work. He expected Ellen to be happy for him. Ellen tried, but she couldn’t quite manage to celebrate his success. In the beginning she hid her doubts, fears, and resentments but soon she began avoiding her friend and not talking as openly with him. She believed he had changed. She was sad, thinking she had lost her friend. They just didn’t have that much in common anymore. She spent less and less time with Sam and when they were together she felt uncomfortable.

Sam was confused.  He thought Ellen would be happy for him but she was pulling away. She seemed angry and withdrawn. He resented her attitude and was determined she wouldn’t pull him down. They spent more and more time apart, each blaming the other.

Sometimes, particularly for emotionally sensitive people,  friendship can be based on being needed. When someone is struggling you might be the first one to offer support. You know how difficult it can be to deal with life’s problems and want to help other people find their way. Shared struggles can help form a bond. Sometimes that bond helps us remember that life is hard no matter what we do.

When someone gets good news, that can be more difficult to support. You may resent their good fortune and at the same time feel guilty for your resentment.  You may not be proud of your thoughts, but they still come.  Maybe you wonder what your friend did that was so great? Why does he deserve such a break?  She’s not so great, how did she get such a great boyfriend?  You’ve tried harder, done more work, or waited longer. It should have been you.

What’s behind the difficulty in being happy for your friends’ good fortune? Maybe you see the world as made up of people who struggle and people who succeed, and your friend is no longer in the same group as you. Maybe if the two of you aren’t the same anymore  your friendship can’t survive. Maybe he won’t want to be friends with you anymore and you pull away to protect yourself. Maybe you get angry for the same reason.

Maybe you see his success as an uncomfortable challenge to you. If your friend can find a job, then it puts more pressure on you to do the same. You compare yourself to your friend. If he can do it, then you could too. That changes your view and pushes you to take more responsibility. Or maybe you judge yourself more harshly when a friend has good news. Your thinking becomes black and white, with you as the “loser.”

Celebrating a friend’s happiness, especially when you are struggling, can be a real challenge. It’s just as important as being there during hard times. Being happy for someone else’s success is part of friendship.  If this is an issue for you, then you might try letting go of comparisons. Comparisons often lead to judging and judging yourself or your friend is not helpful. If you do find yourself judging, just notice the judgments and let them pass. Throw yourself into being happy for your friend. Be fully there. Remind yourself that what happens for someone else is not a judgment of you. If you want the same achievement or experience that your friend is having, be aware of and honor that thought. His happiness does not take away from your efforts or chances to have the same result.

Resilience is important for everyday stresses too.  In a recent article in Scientific Mind, the authors cite this 2002 quote by Dean Becker, a founder of a resilience-training firm:  “More than education, more than experience, more than training, a person’s level of resilience will determine who succeeds and who fails.  That’s true in the cancer ward, it’s’ true in the Olympics and it’s true in the boardroom.”

Emotionally sensitive people are especially sensitive to stress. The good news is that resiliency skills can be strengthened according to authors Steven Southwick and Dennis Charney who wrote Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges.

The first key is to be able to regulate your emotions. One effective way to manage painful emotions is through cognitive reappraisal, which means changing the way you think about a situation in order to change your emotional response. The strategy involves observing your thoughts and behaviors, challenging negative assessments of stressful situations and yourself, and replacing negative assessments with more factual statements. Ask yourself questions such as, “Am I thinking in black and white categories? What would be the gray or plaid way of viewing this situation?”

A second way to bolster your resiliency is to practice mindfulness. Staying in the present lowers your stress levels. Much of the stress you experience is due to worrying about the future or being upset about the past.

Increasing your positive emotions also will help you increase your resiliency. Creating joy in your life and creating positive experiences will add to your ability to cope well with stress. Developing realistic optimism, which means filtering out unnecessary negative information but paying attention to important negative information that is relevant to coping, will strengthen your ability to bounce back from stress and disappointment.

Avoiding stress may diminish your ability to cope. Using stress inoculation works to build your coping skills. Stress inoculation means taking on increasingly difficult challenges, much like gradually lifting heavier weights. If being out of your house is stressful for you, you might practice going to a small store a mile away before attempting to shop at the mall in the next town.

Exercise is always listed as a way to cope with stress and to improve your physical health. Walking is a simple way to start.  Having strong social support, and using that support,  also decreases your vulnerability to stress. Having friends to talk with, friends to play with, and friends who would help you out in a tough situation will lower your stress levels. Finally, having role modelswho manage stress well can give you inspiration and hope.

These ideas are not new. Sometimes when we hear suggestions that aren’t new we discount them when actually the fact that these ideas have been around for a while, been researched with many different groups, gives them credibility. Putting these strategies into practice will be difficult. Most of us would prefer an easier answer to being more content. But what if you practiced these suggestions for six months? Give it your all and do them to the best of your ability. If you need help, ask for it. Maybe you will be in a better place.

Self-Help Tool

Starting January 1, 2015 Dr. Hall’s self-help tool, Creating the Life You Want to Live, will be available. Dr. Hall will email subscribers daily coaching tips and ideas about research-based skills to help in your recovery.  See the details on this website (see the page for Creating the Life You Want to Live.