Thinking vs feeling–they are both part of being human and most of the time add to our experience of life and provide guidance in making the best decisions.
| Most of the trouble starts when we believe a myth about one side or the other. Here are four common ones, and what is actually true. #1 Myth: You should think, not feel Truth: Emotions carry information. They are not noise to get rid of. They tell you what matters to you.Fear points to a threat. Anger points to a boundary that was crossed. Sadness points to a loss. Guilt points to a value you care about. In DBT, this is called the function of emotions. Emotions communicate to other people, they motivate us to act, and they give us information about our situation (Linehan, 2015). If you throw the emotion away, you throw away the message with it. For example, if you find yourself angry about a friend who borrowed money you needed too and didn’t repay it as promised, then that’s a signal to set a boundary. If you feel guilty that you didn’t go to your friend’s wedding, then that’s a signal that you are violating your own values. The emotions give you information and your logic helps you find the way to act on them. #2 Myth: Feelings are irrational Truth: Emotions follow their own logic. They make sense once you find the cause.An emotion is rarely random. It is a response to how you read a situation. Researchers call this appraisal. The same event can lead to different feelings depending on what it means to you (Lazarus, 1991). If a friend cancels plans and you think she is avoiding you, you feel hurt. If you think she is overwhelmed at work, you feel concern. The feeling is not the problem. It is doing its job based on the story you told yourself. When a feeling seems too big or confusing, that is a signal to slow down and ask what you are reacting to, not proof that something is wrong with you. #3 Myth: Staying logical means ignoring emotion Truth: Ignored emotion does not go away. It just works out of sight.Pushing a feeling down is called suppression, and it has a cost. In a series of studies, people who habitually suppressed their emotions did not end up feeling better. They reported more negative emotion, not less, and they had worse relationships than people who worked with their emotions instead (Gross & John, 2003). The feeling keeps running in the background. It leaks out as tension, a short temper, trouble sleeping, or a choice you cannot quite explain later. There is also a myth that good decisions come from cold logic alone. The opposite tends to be true. People with damage to the emotional parts of the brain can reason well on paper but still struggle to make sound everyday choices, because they have lost the gut signal that helps them weigh their options (Damasio, 1994). Emotion is part of good thinking, not the enemy of it. #4 Myth: You have to choose head or heart Truth: You can use both. That is the whole point.This is where wise mind comes in. You do not have to pick between being logical and being emotional. Wise mind is the practice of putting them together (Linehan, 2015). You let yourself feel what you feel, you look at the facts of the situation, and you choose an action that honors both. It is not a fifty-fifty split every time. Sometimes the facts matter more. Sometimes the feeling is the most important information in the room. Wise mind is knowing the difference. How to practice wise mind this week You do not need a perfectly calm state to try this. You can practice in ordinary moments. 1. Name the emotion you feel, without judging it. Just label it. “I feel angry.” “I feel anxious.” 2. Name one fact about the situation. Something you could see on a video, not an interpretation. 3. Ask wise mind what to do with both. Given how you feel and what is true, what is the next right step?Even a few seconds of this can change what you do next. Over time it gets faster. The takeawayThinking and feeling were never meant to compete. Your emotions are information about what matters. Your reason is information about what is true. You are at your best when you listen to both and let them meet in the middle. Feel fully. Think clearly. Choose.—* This post is for education and is not a substitute for individual mental health care. If you are struggling with intense emotions, a licensed therapist can help you build these skills in a way that fits your life.* ReferencesDamasio, A. R. (1994). *Descartes’ error: Emotion, reason, and the human brain.* New York: G. P. Putnam’s Sons.Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85*(2), 348-362.Lazarus, R. S. (1991). *Emotion and adaptation.* New York: Oxford University Press.Linehan, M. M. (2015). *DBT skills training manual* (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press. |
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