Maintaining a healthy relationship takes effort, but the good news is that relationship success isn’t just about luck—it’s about skills. Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers on relationships, has spent decades studying what makes couples thrive. His findings show that strong relationships aren’t about avoiding conflict but about how couples navigate challenges and deepen their connection.
So, what are the key skills that happy couples practice? Here’s how you can apply Gottman’s principles to your own relationship.
1. Build a Love Map 🗺️
How well do you know your partner? A love map is Gottman’s term for truly understanding your partner’s inner world—their hopes, dreams, worries, and even what’s been stressing them out this week. The happiest couples stay curious about each other and check in regularly.
Try this: Ask your partner questions like, “What’s something you’re looking forward to this week?” or “Is there anything on your mind that I can support you with?” Small check-ins keep you connected.
2. Express Fondness & Admiration
Over time, couples can fall into the habit of noticing what’s wrong instead of appreciating what’s right. But research shows that happy couples make a habit of expressing admiration and appreciation for each other.
Try this: Take a moment today to tell your partner something you admire about them. It could be as simple as, “I love how patient you were today,” or “You always make me feel so supported.” These little acknowledgments build a strong emotional foundation.
3. Turn Toward, Not Away
In relationships, we constantly make “bids” for connection—a glance, a joke, a sigh after a long day. How our partner responds to these small moments determines the strength of our relationship. Gottman’s research found that couples who “turn toward” each other in these moments (rather than ignoring or dismissing them) build lasting intimacy and trust.
Try this: If your partner shares something small—like a funny meme or a random thought—engage with them instead of brushing it off. These little moments of connection matter more than grand gestures.
4. Manage Conflict Effectively
Every couple fights—it’s how they fight that matters. Gottman found that successful couples use a soft start-up(beginning discussions gently rather than with criticism) and work to understand each other rather than defend themselves.
Try this: Next time you have a disagreement, start with “I” statements instead of blaming. For example, instead of “You never help around the house,” try “I feel overwhelmed and could really use some help.” This small shift can prevent defensiveness and lead to better conversations.
5. Accept Influence from Each Other
A healthy relationship isn’t about one person always getting their way. Happy couples listen to each other’s perspectives and adjust accordingly rather than insisting on being right.
Try this: The next time you’re tempted to dismiss your partner’s opinion, pause and ask, “Is there a part of what they’re saying that makes sense?” Being open to influence creates a sense of partnership rather than competition.
6. Create Shared Meaning
Strong relationships are about more than just living together—they’re about building a life together. Couples who share rituals, traditions, and core values create a deep sense of connection.
Try this: Start a small ritual together—maybe Sunday morning coffee dates, a nightly gratitude check-in, or a yearly getaway. These shared moments strengthen your bond.
7. Keep a Positive Perspective
Even when things get tough, successful couples focus on the positives in their relationship rather than dwelling on the negatives. They repair quickly after conflicts and nurture their friendship.
Try this: Make a habit of noticing the good. Before bed, reflect on one thing you appreciated about your partner that day. Shifting your focus toward the positive strengthens your emotional connection.
Final Thoughts
No relationship is perfect, but by practicing these Gottman-backed skills, you can create a strong and fulfilling partnership. Which of these skills do you want to focus on?