Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Whether you’ve been together for months or decades, disagreements will happen. But the good news? It’s not the presence of conflict that predicts relationship success—it’s how you handle it.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, leading relationship experts, have studied couples for decades and found that successful relationships aren’t conflict-free—they’re conflict-smart. The way you argue matters more than the fact that you argue. Their research-backed approach helps couples navigate disagreements with respect, understanding, and connection.
So, how can you resolve conflict the Gottman way and turn arguments into connection? Let’s break it down.
1. Start Soft: The Gentle Start-Up
How you begin a conflict discussion sets the tone for the entire conversation. The Gottmans found that conversations that start harshly (with blame, criticism, or sarcasm) usually end badly. Instead, use a gentle start-up, focusing on “I” statements and describing your feelings rather than attacking your partner.
Harsh Start-Up Example:
“You never listen to me! You always just care about your phone and ignore me.”
Gentle Start-Up Example:
“I feel unimportant when I’m talking and you’re on your phone. Can we take a break from screens and connect for a bit?”
Notice the difference? One invites defensiveness, while the other invites conversation.
2. Accept Influence: Be Open to Your Partner’s Perspective
Successful couples don’t insist on being “right” all the time. Instead, they remain open to their partner’s thoughts and feelings. This means listening, considering their viewpoint, and making room for compromise.
Not Accepting Influence:
“I don’t care what you think—I’m the one who handles the finances, so we’re doing it my way!”
Accepting Influence:
“I know managing money stresses you out. Let’s sit down together and find a budget that works for both of us.”
When both partners feel heard and respected, conflict becomes a pathway to collaboration rather than control.
3. Listen to Understand, Not to Win
Have you ever caught yourself preparing your comeback instead of truly listening? That’s normal—but it’s also one of the biggest obstacles to resolving conflict. Instead of planning your defense, try actively listening with curiosity.
Tips for Active Listening:
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Reflect back what your partner is saying (“So you’re feeling hurt because I forgot our plans—did I get that right?”).
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Validate their emotions (“That makes sense, I’d feel frustrated too.”).
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Ask open-ended questions (“What would help us fix this?”).
When you listen to understand, you create a safe space for honest communication.
4. Repair & De-Escalate: Finding Your Way Back
Even the best communicators sometimes get heated. The Gottmans emphasize repair attempts, which are small gestures to calm things down and keep the conversation from spiraling.
Repair Attempt Examples:
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Humor (“Okay, let’s pause before we both say something we regret!”).
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Physical touch (Reaching for their hand as a sign of connection).
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Acknowledgment (“I’m getting worked up—can we take a short break?”).
A well-timed repair attempt can prevent an argument from turning into a full-blown fight.
5. Find the Dream Within the Conflict
Many arguments aren’t really about the surface-level issue. They’re about deeper needs, values, or fears. The Gottmans encourage couples to look beyond the disagreement and discover what’s truly at the heart of it.
Example:
Sarah and Jake argue constantly about household chores. Jake feels like Sarah is too critical, and Sarah feels like Jake doesn’t pull his weight. When they dig deeper, they realize:
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Sarah grew up in a home where chores were a sign of love and care.
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Jake grew up in a home where chores weren’t a big deal, and he feels micromanaged.
Understanding these deeper emotions allows them to approach the issue with compassion rather than frustration.
Final Thoughts: Conflict Can Bring You Closer
The way you handle conflict determines whether it creates distance or deepens your bond. By using the Gottman Method—starting soft, accepting influence, truly listening, repairing, and looking for the deeper meaning—you can turn arguments into opportunities for growth and connection.
Next time a disagreement arises, try these steps and notice the difference. A little effort in conflict resolution can transform your relationship for the better.