If your teen struggles with loneliness despite being responsible, intelligent, or socially skilled, they may have an overcontrolled (OC) coping style. In Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT), we understand loneliness in OC teens as stemming not from a lack of social skills, but from difficulty expressing warmth, openness, and flexibility in relationships.
Why Do Overcontrolled Teens Feel Lonely?
Teens with an OC temperament often:
- Appear independent but feel disconnected – They may not openly express their desire for friendship, leading others to assume they’re fine on their own.
- Struggle with emotional expression – Their facial expressions, body language, or tone of voice may not signal interest or warmth, making it harder for peers to connect with them.
- Overthink social interactions – They may focus so much on saying the “right” thing that conversations feel rigid or unnatural.
- Fear rejection or embarrassment – They may hesitate to take social risks, like starting conversations or inviting friends to hang out.
- Prefer structure over spontaneity – Playfulness and lightheartedness, which strengthen friendships, can feel uncomfortable or “pointless” to them.
As a result, these teens may become socially isolated despite a deep longing for connection.
How Can Parents Help?
RO DBT offers specific strategies to help OC teens loosen excessive control and foster authentic relationships. As a parent, you can support your teen by:
1. Encouraging Emotional Expression
- Model relaxed and expressive communication at home. Use open body language, varied facial expressions, and warm tones when talking with them.
- Gently validate their feelings without pressuring them to “fix” loneliness immediately. Example: “It sounds like you’re feeling left out, and that’s really tough. I’m here for you.”
2. Promote Social Flexibility
- Encourage small social risks, such as texting a friend first or saying “hi” to a classmate, without emphasizing outcomes.
- Remind them that social interactions don’t have to be perfect—mistakes and awkward moments are part of connecting.
3. Helping with Social Signaling
- Subtle social signals (like a relaxed smile or eye contact) can make a big difference in friendships. You can practice these in a fun, low-pressure way—perhaps by watching movies and discussing how characters show warmth and interest. Voice tone that varies with what someone is saying is a primary way of engaging with others, versus a monotone voice.
4. Encouraging Playfulness and Spontaneity
- Find ways to incorporate lightheartedness at home. Silly jokes, trying new activities together, or even playful banter can help your teen practice being more open and relaxed.
5. Leading with Curiosity Instead of Pressure
- Avoid telling them to “just be more social” or “put themselves out there.” Instead, ask curious, open-ended questions:
- “What’s one thing you wish was different about your social life?”
- “What’s a small thing that might make it easier to connect with people?”
- “Have you noticed if there are times you feel more comfortable around others?”
When Therapy Might Be Helpful
While loneliness is a normal experience at times, therapy may be beneficial if you notice any of the following in your teen:
Persistent isolation – They have few or no social interactions and show no interest in changing this.
Significant distress about friendships – They express frustration, sadness, or hopelessness about their social life but feel unable to change it.
Rigid social rules – They believe they must follow strict social “rules” (e.g., “I can’t text first” or “People only like me if I’m perfect”).
High self-criticism – They blame themselves harshly for social struggles and feel like they’re “not good enough.”
Increased anxiety or depression – They seem withdrawn, irritable, or show signs of low mood related to loneliness. They may put a lot of pressure on themselves in academics.
Struggles with emotional expression – They have difficulty showing warmth, relaxation, or playfulness, making it hard for others to connect with them.
If these patterns persist, RO DBT may be a great fit. This approach helps overcontrolled teens relax self-imposed social rules, develop warmth and openness in relationships, and engage more flexibly in social settings.
How to Introduce the Idea of Therapy to Your Teen
Bringing up therapy can feel tricky, especially if your teen is highly self-sufficient or resistant to help. Here are some tips:
1. Normalize Therapy as a Tool for Growth
Instead of framing therapy as something only for “problems” or “fixing,” present it as a way to learn new skills, just like school, sports, or music lessons. Example:
“A lot of people work with therapists to improve things they care about. Therapy isn’t just for when things are really bad—it’s also for learning how to have better relationships and feel more confident socially.”
2. Acknowledge Their Feelings Without Judgment
If they’re feeling lonely or struggling, validate their experience rather than rushing to solutions. Example:
“I know making friends hasn’t felt easy for you, and that must be really frustrating. It makes sense that you’d feel that way.”
3. Give Them Some Control Over the Process
Overcontrolled teens often dislike feeling pressured, so offer choices. Example:
“Would you be open to trying a few sessions and seeing if it’s helpful? If you don’t like it, we can talk about other options.”
4. Highlight That Therapy Can Be Tailored to Their Needs
Overcontrolled teens may worry that therapy will be emotional or unstructured. Reassure them that RO DBT is skills-based and focused on practical strategies. Example:
“This kind of therapy actually teaches ways to make friendships easier and less stressful. It’s not just about talking about feelings all the time.”
5. Offer a Trial Period
If they seem hesitant, suggest a low-pressure trial. Example:
“You don’t have to commit forever—let’s just try a few sessions and see what you think.”
6. Introduce the Idea Indirectly
Sometimes, teens are more receptive when the idea comes from another source. You might:
- Share a story about someone who benefited from therapy.
- Suggest watching a YouTube video or TED Talk on social connection.
- Mention a book or article about RO DBT and ask what they think.
Final Thoughts
Your teen’s loneliness is not a sign of failure—it’s often an unintended consequence of their natural temperament. Therapy can be a safe place to build social confidence, learn new skills, and explore friendships in a way that feels right for them.