Walking Away from Relationships to Avoid Conflict: An RO DBT Perspective
While ending a relationship may feel like the safest option in the moment of conflict and one that you are sure you want to do, this pattern of avoidance often limits emotional growth, fosters loneliness, and undermines relationships. You see, resolving conflicts actually helps strengthen relationships and deepen intimacy. Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT) offers a unique way understand this dynamic of walking away to resovle conflict and tools to approach it differently.
Why Do We Walk Away?
Walking away from relationships is often rooted in a fear of vulnerability. It might feel like a way to protect ourselves from rejection, hurt, or loss of control. It may seem like you’re just not up for the hassle. However, this stance can reflect an overcontrol (OC) temperament. People with OC tendencies may avoid interpersonal conflict to maintain a sense of control or to avoid the perceived messiness of emotional confrontation. OC temperament is the focus of RO DBT.
The RO DBT Perspective on Avoidance
RO DBT highlights the importance of social signaling and connection for emotional health. Avoidance behaviors, such as withdrawing or ending relationships that are healthy overall, can diminish opportunities for openness, mutual understanding, and authentic connection.
Instead of fostering genuine emotional exchanges, avoidance creates a rigid interpersonal pattern, reinforcing isolation and reducing our ability to flexibly manage conflict. Over time, this limits our capacity to thrive socially and emotionally.
Signs You Might Be Walking Away to Avoid Conflict
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- Avoidance of discomfort: You leave conversations or relationships when they begin to feel tense or unpredictable.
- Internal justifications: Thoughts like, “They just don’t understand me” or “It’s not worth the effort” become your go-to reasoning.
- Strong self-reliance: A belief that you don’t need others to feel okay or solve problems.
- Missed opportunities for repair: You leave relationships without addressing unresolved feelings or attempting reconciliation.
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How to Approach Conflict Differently with RO DBT
1. Practice Self-Enquiry
RO DBT encourages curiosity over certainty. Instead of assuming walking away is the best option, ask yourself:
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- What am I feeling right now?
- Is this fear of vulnerability or a genuine need to exit?
- What might I learn about myself if I stayed open?
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2. Engage in Flexible Mindset Practices
Challenge rigid thinking patterns like, “Conflict is always harmful” or “I can’t handle this.” Reframing conflict as an opportunity for growth and connection can help reduce the urge to avoid.
3. Strengthen Social Signaling
Work on expressing openness through nonverbal cues like relaxed posture, soft eye contact, and facial expressions that invite connection, even when emotions are high. This signals to others that you’re willing to engage rather than retreat.
4. Practice Radical Openness
Radical openness involves being receptive to new experiences and perspectives, even when they challenge your comfort zone. In conflict, this means staying engaged and curious about the other person’s point of view instead of shutting down or walking away.
5. Lean into Vulnerability
Walking away can feel like avoiding emotional hurt, but true growth requires vulnerability. This doesn’t mean staying in harmful relationships—it means daring to stay present in challenging moments with people who matter.
Building a New Approach
Walking away from relationships to avoid conflict is understandable, but it often reflects patterns that hold us back from genuine connection. By embracing the principles of RO DBT—self-enquiry, social signaling, and radical openness—you can cultivate the courage to face conflict and use it as a path to deeper, more fulfilling relationships.
Remember, staying open doesn’t mean sacrificing your well-being. It means daring to stay present, engage, and grow, even in moments of discomfort. Your relationships—and your emotional health—will thank you.