This week I’ve been thinking about relationships. Have you ever wondered why you keep dating the same type of person when it’s not working out for you? Or why certain fights with your partner feel familiar, even though you swore you’d never repeat your parents’ mistakes? Or maybe you find yourself behaving like your parents when you said you’d never do that?
The truth is, your childhood experiences shape how you love, fight, trust, and connect as an adult. This isn’t about blaming your parents or dwelling on the past. It’s about understanding the patterns you learned early in life so you can make better choices now. You see, your brain is like a computer that got programmed in childhood. Those early programs still run in the background, affecting your relationships today. While others may have created the experiences that established these patterns for you, it’s up to you to change them. The good news? Once you spot these patterns, you can start to change them.
What Are Attachment Styles?
When you were a baby, you learned how relationships work by watching your caregivers. Were they consistent and loving? Did they ignore your needs? Were they unpredictable? Your brain took notes and created a blueprint for all future relationships.
These blueprints are called “attachment styles.” There are four main types:
Secure attachment: Your caregivers were reliable and responsive. You learned that people are trustworthy and relationships are safe. As an adult, you’re comfortable with closeness and independence.
Anxious attachment: Your caregivers were inconsistent, meaning sometimes loving, sometimes distant. You learned to worry about abandonment. As an adult, you might feel clingy, need constant reassurance, or fear being left.
Avoidant attachment: Your caregivers were emotionally unavailable or dismissive. You learned to rely only on yourself. As an adult, you might struggle with intimacy, pull away when things get serious, or feel uncomfortable with emotions.
Disorganized attachment: Your caregivers were frightening or chaotic. You learned that relationships are confusing and scary. As an adult, you might want closeness but push people away, or have dramatic, unstable relationships.
Most people aren’t purely one type—you might have different styles in different relationships or situations.
How Attachment Styles and Childhood Patterns Work Together
Understanding the connection between attachment styles and childhood patterns is important. They’re related but different:
Your attachment style is the foundation—it’s the core belief system you developed about relationships. Think of it as your operating system that runs in the background.
Your childhood patterns are the specific behaviors and coping strategies that grew from that foundation. These are like the apps running on your operating system.
Here’s how they connect:
From Anxious Attachment, you might develop:
- The Anxious Pursuer pattern (constantly seeking reassurance)
- The Peacekeeper pattern (avoiding conflict to prevent abandonment)
- The Invisible Person pattern (believing your needs don’t matter enough to voice them)
From Avoidant Attachment, you might develop:
- The Emotional Wall pattern (keeping distance to feel safe)
- Strong independence that pushes people away
- Shutting down or leaving during conflict
From Disorganized Attachment, you might develop:
- The Recreating Chaos pattern (feeling comfortable with instability)
- Push-pull dynamics (wanting closeness but fearing it)
- The Fixer pattern (trying to control unpredictable situations by being needed)
From Secure Attachment, you develop:
- Healthy communication patterns
- Comfort with both intimacy and independence
- Ability to manage conflict constructively
Two people can have the same attachment style but show different patterns. For example, two people with anxious attachment might cope differently—one becomes a peacekeeper who avoids all conflict, while another becomes an anxious pursuer who needs constant contact. Same root cause, different survival strategies.
Your attachment style answers the question: “Do I fundamentally believe relationships are safe and people are trustworthy?”
Your childhood patterns answer: “What specific behaviors did I learn to cope with my attachment wounds?”
Understanding both helps you see the full picture of why you act the way you do in relationships.
Common Childhood Patterns That Follow You Into Adulthood
The Peacekeeper Pattern
What happened in childhood: You grew up walking on eggshells. Maybe a parent had anger issues, struggled with addiction, or had unpredictable moods. You learned that your job was to keep everyone calm and happy.
How it shows up now: You avoid conflict at all costs. You say “it’s fine” when it’s not fine. You apologize for things that aren’t your fault. You put everyone’s needs before your own, then feel resentful. You might even stay in bad relationships because leaving would cause conflict.
Why it’s a problem: You lose yourself trying to manage other people’s emotions. Your needs don’t get met. Partners may take advantage of your people-pleasing, or they might feel frustrated because you never say what you really want.
The Anxious Pursuer Pattern
What happened in childhood: Your parents’ love felt conditional or inconsistent. You had to work hard for attention and approval. Maybe they were emotionally distant, overly critical, or only showed love when you achieved something.
How it shows up now: You need constant reassurance that your partner loves you. You panic when they don’t text back quickly. You analyze everything they say for hidden meanings. You might come on too strong early in relationships or feel anxious when you’re apart.
Why it’s a problem: Your anxiety can push partners away, creating the exact abandonment you fear. You give away your power by making your worth dependent on someone else’s approval. You struggle to relax and enjoy relationships.
The Emotional Wall Pattern
What happened in childhood: Showing emotions wasn’t safe. Maybe vulnerability was mocked, crying was punished, or expressing needs led to rejection. You learned to shut down your feelings and handle everything alone.
How it shows up now: You have trouble opening up, even to people you love. You say “I don’t need anyone” and pride yourself on being independent. When conflict comes up, you shut down, leave the room, or go silent. Intimate conversations feel uncomfortable or scary.
Why it’s a problem: Partners feel locked out and unloved. They can’t read your mind, so your needs don’t get met. Relationships stay surface-level and never deepen. You miss out on the closeness and support that make relationships meaningful.
The Fixer Pattern
What happened in childhood: You had to grow up too fast. Maybe you took care of younger siblings, managed a parent’s emotions, or dealt with family problems that weren’t your responsibility. You learned your value comes from being helpful and needed.
How it shows up now: You’re attracted to “projects”—people who need fixing. You give advice when people just want listening. You feel responsible for your partner’s happiness, problems, and growth. You struggle in relationships with healthy, stable people because you don’t feel needed.
Why it’s a problem: You end up in one-sided relationships where you give everything and receive little. You enable unhealthy behavior by always rescuing people from consequences. You never learn to receive love—only to earn it through service.
The Recreating Chaos Pattern
What happened in childhood: Your home life was dramatic, unstable, or chaotic. Even though it was painful, the intensity felt normal. Calm feels boring or uncomfortable because your nervous system is wired for crisis.
How it shows up now: Healthy, stable relationships feel “boring.” You’re drawn to drama, intensity, and rollercoaster relationships. You might pick fights when things are going too well or mistake anxiety for passion. Calm partners don’t excite you.
Why it’s a problem: You confuse toxicity with chemistry. You miss out on stable, loving relationships because they feel “wrong.” You exhaust yourself and your partners with constant drama. You never experience the peace and security that real love provides.
The Invisible Person Pattern
What happened in childhood: Your needs were ignored, minimized, or dismissed. Maybe you had siblings who took all the attention, parents who were too busy, or a family where children were seen but not heard. You learned that your needs don’t matter.
How it shows up now: You don’t ask for what you need. You feel guilty for having wants or taking up space. You’re surprised when partners ask about your day or care about your feelings. You might attract selfish partners because you don’t set boundaries.
Why it’s a problem: You end up in relationships where you’re constantly giving but rarely receiving. You feel invisible and unimportant, confirming your childhood belief. Partners may not even know you’re unhappy because you never speak up.
How to Spot Your Patterns
Recognizing your patterns is the first step to changing them. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- What relationship behaviors do I keep repeating, even when they don’t work?
- What kind of people am I consistently attracted to?
- What situations in relationships trigger strong emotional reactions in me?
- What did I learn about love, conflict, and emotions from my family?
- What role did I play in my family (peacekeeper, caregiver, troublemaker, invisible one)?
- When do I feel most uncomfortable in relationships?
Your answers reveal your patterns. Pay attention to repetitive themes in your relationships. If you keep having the same problems with different people, the common factor is you—and your childhood programming.
Breaking Free From Unhealthy Patterns
Awareness Is the Starting Point
You can’t change what you don’t recognize. Start noticing when old patterns show up. When you feel triggered, pause and ask: “Is this about now, or does this feel familiar from my past?”
For example, if your partner is 20 minutes late and you feel panicked about abandonment, that’s probably a childhood wound, not the current reality.
Challenge Your Automatic Thoughts
Your brain runs on old programming, creating automatic thoughts that feel true but might not be. Start questioning them.
Old thought: “If I express my needs, they’ll leave me.” Challenge: “Is this true, or is this what I learned as a child? Have people actually left when I’ve been honest?”
Old thought: “I have to fix everyone’s problems.” Challenge: “Is this my responsibility, or am I repeating a childhood role? What happens if I let people handle their own issues?”
Communicate Your Patterns to Your Partner
If you’re in a relationship, talk about your patterns. Say something like: “I realize I shut down during conflict because that’s what I learned growing up. I’m working on it, but I wanted you to understand why I do this.”
This creates understanding instead of blame. Your partner can support you rather than take your reactions personally.
Practice New Responses
Your brain forms new patterns through repetition. Each time you choose a different response, you weaken the old pattern and strengthen a new one.
If you’re a peacekeeper, practice saying “Actually, that doesn’t work for me” once a day. If you’re emotionally avoidant, practice sharing one feeling per day, even if it’s uncomfortable. If you’re anxious, practice sitting with the discomfort instead of immediately texting for reassurance.
Start small. You’re rewiring decades of programming—be patient with yourself.
Set Boundaries Based on Your Needs
Many childhood patterns involve ignoring your own needs to manage other people. Start identifying what you actually need in relationships and communicate those needs clearly.
“I need time alone to recharge—it’s not about you.” “I need you to listen without offering solutions right now.” “I need reassurance when I’m feeling insecure, even though I’m working on this.”
Good partners will respect reasonable boundaries. If they don’t, that’s important information.
Choose Different People
If your pattern is choosing emotionally unavailable people, start dating the person who seems “too nice.” If you pick projects, try someone who has their life together. If you want drama, give the stable person a chance.
This will feel weird at first. Your brain will tell you something is wrong because it doesn’t match your template. Push through the discomfort. Different isn’t wrong—it’s just unfamiliar.
What Healthy Relationships Actually Look Like
When you’ve only known unhealthy patterns, you might not recognize what healthy looks like. Here are some signs:
- You feel safe expressing your needs and feelings
- Conflict gets resolved, not avoided or exploded
- You can be yourself without fear of rejection
- Your partner respects your boundaries
- You feel secure without needing constant reassurance
- You have independence and togetherness in balance
- Trust is the foundation, not jealousy or control
- You support each other’s growth
- Love feels peaceful, not chaotic
Healthy might feel boring at first if you’re used to chaos. Give yourself time to adjust. Peace isn’t the same as boredom—it’s actually what safety feels like.
You’re Not Broken
If you see yourself in these patterns, that doesn’t mean you’re damaged or unlovable. It means you’re human. Every person brings their past into their present. The difference is whether you’re aware of it or not.
Your childhood patterns made sense in the environment you grew up in. They helped you survive. The problem is they’re not helping you anymore—they’re holding you back from the relationships you deserve.
You learned these patterns, which means you can unlearn them. It takes time, self-compassion, and consistent effort, but change is absolutely possible. Thousands of people have rewired their relationship patterns and built healthy, loving connections.
Your past doesn’t have to be your future. Understanding where your patterns come from gives you the power to choose something different. Start today, be patient with yourself, and remember: awareness is the first step to freedom.
Moving Forward
Change doesn’t happen overnight. You might slip back into old patterns, and that’s okay. Progress isn’t linear. Each time you recognize a pattern and choose differently, you’re building new neural pathways and creating a healthier relationship future.
Be gentle with yourself during this process. You’re not just changing behaviors—you’re healing old wounds and rewriting your story. That’s brave work.
You deserve relationships that feel safe, loving, and authentic. You deserve to be seen, heard, and valued. Your past shaped you, but it doesn’t define you. The relationships you create from here forward are up to you.
At the DBT Center, we are here to help. Call us at 713-973-2800